Oh No You Didn't

Embarassment.  Why are we so embarrassed sometimes and so many times by the people closest to us?  Why do we feel that sting of embarassment when someone else is acting stupid or foolish?  Is it because we worry that others will generalize their behaviors towards us, or is it because if we didn't "know" this person and we met them acting in this embarassing manner; we wouldn't want anything to do with them?

What makes each person feel embarassed?  For some  it may be the words another person chooses to use, or the way they  talk.  Maybe it is the type of jokes someone tells; or the tone and volume of their voice.  Sometimes it is the utter and obvious lack of self controll and immaturity that occurs.  Many times these occurances happen when one is drinking and they loose any self censorship they may have previously held. 

I am certain I have done or said things that have made others who are related to or associated with me feel embarassed; most likely my lack of using a filter and not being concerned with others think.  So this makes me wonder, why do I feel embarassed by someone elses actions?  Is it my own insecurities or the fact that when some people act certain ways, I feel disrespected and disregarded, and I wonder what other people are thinking when I already feel this way?

Is there an appropriate and effective way to address these issues with someone?  How do you tell someone you love "when you act this way, I feel embarassed to be around you or associated with you.  How do you address the issues without hurting someone's feelings? There are times I have been with a friend or someone close to me and they have said or done something and I thought "OMG they did NOT just say/do that!!"  Are some people just that oblivious to the social expectations of certain situations?  Are these people dumb...stupid...ignorant...uncaring...or were they simply never taught these basic behaviors by their parents?  I don't have the answers to these questions or I wouldn't even be discussing them here?

What has someone else done that caused you to feel embarassed or disrespected in front of others? How have you handled these people in your life?  Are you one of the embarassing people and how did someone let you know?

Love and Other Drugs

So I was struggling with a good topic for blogging tonight when I saw a commercial for "Love and Other Drugs" the movie.  This particular commercial seemed to draw attention to the size of the man's whoowhodilly.  So I say, is size important.  YES.  But big isn't always better; in fact too big can be too scary!

Now this is a topic women talk about alot and men are terrified of!  Yes size does matter. I mean lets face it, if its too small and you can't even feel it whats the point?  and if it's so big you're afraid of it, then anything that happens isn't gonna be good cuz its preceded with fear!  Really what matters is a good size, not too small but not to big and a man who knows how to work it...if all they do is the same motion, over and over and over...really?  What men need to know is we don't want to hear you brag about your size, or your insecurities about it...show us you know how to work with what you got and its fine.  I hear lots of stories from my single girl friends and let me tell you, the single guys out there need some serious teaching;  I am so happy I am married! 

So here's my advice.  Men who are on the small side...learn how to use it and learn some other tricks too, men who are too big...you need to learn patience and go slow...men who are "perfect" in size...ah ah ah...you still need to know how to use it and tricks won't hurt you either...nothing is worse than a man with a "perfect" whoowhoodilly who has no clue what he's doing!   Women; if you are single, paired and unsatisfied or simply under-satisfied  invest in a good BOB and learn about your own body, what you like, what feels good, what you are comfortable with and what you're not!  Sex is a two way street, both need to participate and think about their partner not just themselves.....

Intimacy is different from sex;  a lot of women think sex is intimacy but its not.  Intimacy is when you really open up to someone, insecurities and all.  Sometimes intimacy involves sex, sometimes its simply cuddling, kissing and talking, getting to know another person.  For myself and my husband, intimacy is often sharing our fears, feelings, and desires; our hopes for the future, crying in front of each other and sharing when we are scared.

So Love...what is love...love and sex are NOT interchangeable...so many young women think if they have sex with someone that person will "love" them....open your eyes girls! Sex does NOT equal love...sex with someone you barely know often equals, heartbreak, self defeat, STI's and self doubt!  DO NOT have sex thinking it will get you closer to someone you barely know, make someone fall in love with you or fix ANY sort of relationship issue; it doesn't...its just sex.  Love is, in the words of bruno mars; when you would "catch a grenade" for someone; literally lay down your life for theirs....I never knew true love until I met my husband and even  more so when I had my daughter...I would die for that little girl without a second thought, without even a first thought...love is not selfish, it isn't boastful or self serving,  love is complete giving of yourself; without expectation of reward...LOVE is hard to find and once you truly have it hold on to it!

Other drugs:  I honestly believe there are people who are addicted to being in "love", dating, and having relationships.  I know people who have been in one relationship after another without ever spending any time alone...often finding the "next one" while still with the "current one".  This to me screams of insecurity.  Yes love is great, it makes you feel amazing, invincible and your body releases endorphins that make you feel even better, but Love is give and take, love is work and when it gets hard, thats when you can tell who is really in "love" and who is just addicted to the good parts of it.

Wow...how did discussion of male size lead to discussion of love...i don't know but here it is.  Feel free to share when you knew you were actually in LOVE with someone.

WhooWhoo

OK WARNING NOW!  THIS POST IS ABOUT FEMALE ANATOMY - IF THIS MAY OFFEND YOU OR UPSET YOU DO NOT READ FURTHER....YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.

So, I had a beautiful baby girl 8 months ago.  She was abit on the large side, 8lbs 11.4oz and she came quickly, I only pushed for about 25minutes.  I did have a small 2nd degree tear, no big deal.  Prior to becoming pregnant I had to have surgery on my...whoowhoo to remove a septum that could have presented me with many problems during pregnancy and/or delivery so, I already had some scar tissue in there.

Since my baby's birth I've felt, different, down there.  which I am sure is normal, but I've continued to have pain with sex...so I saw my Dr today.. Turns out i have a spot of scar tissue, not from the delivery, that is causing the pain along with other issues that worsened it (lack of estrogen etc).  So i have to do some things to try to help it and if they don't work i may require another surgery...not looking forward to that!

Anyway, this situation got me thinking.  Every woman's anatomy is different, and apparently one woman's anatomy can change.  Do we all think our whoowhoos are "not right" or "not normal".  Is there a such thing as a normal "whoowhoo".  Of course, I've "learned" in my schooling that there is.  But the differences are relatively amazing and why do women always seem to think they are the not normal one?  Why are we so concerned about how our whoowhoos look?  I mean really, is anyone actually looking at it? I know I'm not posing in any playboy anytime in the near or distant future.  But I still worry about the aesthetics of my privates.  Where did this whoowhoo insecurity come from?  Are women born with it, or is it something that is taught to us in some way as we grow up - from society, the media?  Are men insecure about their whoowhoodillies?  I mean really, I'm married, my husband loves me the way I am and obviously doesn't have issues with the whoohoo...so why do I?  Why do so many women have problems with their whoohoos? 

Husband Material Vs. Hot Ass

I asked for some suggestions and ideas for my blog tonight and I only got a couple...The first suggestion although really funny; might be a little too much at this point for the blog.  But...the second suggestion I can run with.  My friend Heidi suggested I discuss what women think when they seen an attractive male vs. what men think when they see an attractive woman...here are my thoughts on it (please note, this is meant for fun and humor...no harm intended (ok there is some truth to it too)).

Women:
     Conscious thoughts:  Wow...he is really fit...Look at those arms...I bet he could lift me up with those and....He has a really tight butt; I wonder if he works out...or plays tight end..haha...He is dressed really well; Maybe he's gay?   His hair is hot...I'd like to run my hands through it.   He's so bronzed; was he on vacation, or does he fake bake, or is that makeup?  If I say hi and he looks me in the eye he's mature, if he looks at my chest first I'm outta here.
      Unconscious thoughts:  he is really fit, i but he would spawn strong children.  He dresses well; i don't want to compete; or he might be a mama's boy and she still dresses him.  His hair is hot...he's vain, he'll pay more attention to himself, neglect me and it will end in 3 months.  He's so bronzed...trying too hard to make up for something else, might get skin cancer, he's too into his looks, he has a lot of money to go on vacations with.  He looked me in the eyes...must be gay....he looked at my chest...HEY

Men:
      Conscious thoughts:  Wow shes hot, I'd hit that.  Wow she has big boobies, I'd hit that.  Wow baby got back; I'd hit that.  Wow she has nice hair, I'd hit that.  Wow she is tan, i wonder if she has tan lines, I'll find out while i hit that.  If I say hi and she looks at me i might blush...I should just make a rude comment or slap her ass.  Wow she seems smart; I'd hit that.
      Unconscious thoughts: See above plus add to any statements...she might reject me, mom wont approve,  my wife will find out, my wife will have no idea, I'll need to get her drunk first and  I'd hit that but I'm gay...ooh nice shoes.

In summary, whether women realize it or not they are looking for the ultimate mate to produce strong children with and not compete with.  Men just want to have sex.

Kindness: A rare find

Taking the blog on another spiritual journey (see previous post about trust); an event this evening triggered my thoughts about Kindness.  It is Feb 20th here in MN and we are having a "blizzard".  I actually made it all the way home only to become seriously stuck in our cul-de-sac.  One of our neighbors, whom I've only met once, was out snow blowing his driveway...he immediately came over to help me!  Between Fuey with his snow blower and my husband with ours, the were able to unstick me and I was able to get my car not only into our driveway but into the garage!  If you've never dealt with MN road conditions during a "blizzard" you won't understand the accomplishment in this task!  My husband than proceeded to help our next door neighbors who were having a difficult time to blow out their drive way!

Random acts of kindness.  Where have they gone?  It seems in today's world, everyone is so consumed with their own needs and wants they forget about the simple act of being kind, for no reason at all, to someone else.  Like I've mentioned before, I work in an ER as a nurse.  Back when I was in high school and undergrad nursing school, people treated nurses like gold! they were appreciative, respectful and thoughtful...that is a rare find these days.  Most shifts I am bitched at for taking too long to do something, that I didn't ask the right question, give the medication soon enough, didn't update someone about something, or didn't do someone else's job for them....what the hell am I...a servant!  People are rarely kind anymore and it is far and few between that I hear someone say thank you to me, even at work, or express their gratitude the care I've given them...It tends to make a person bitter and jaded, and a bit unsympathetic.

A few weeks ago I was on my way to work and stopped at Starbucks for my morning Latte.  When I pulled up to the window the barista informed me that the car ahead of me paid for my drink! Wow really, I've only read stories about that happening! I was so appreciative at this random act of kindness that I said, "wow cool, I'll pay for the person behind me!"  The barista looked at me like I was on crack...they must not see many random acts of kindness either. 

SO I guess what I'm saying is none is kind enough anymore and we could all do better at it!  I find myself bitter, jaded and biased a good deal of the time and I'd rather not be that way so I'm going to present a challenge not only to you but to myself...to try to do at least 1 random act of kindness each week!  I think that's a pretty good start!

Trust: Where have you gone?

Tonight at work a person I would consider a friend asked me if I'd ever been cheated on by a guy.  My  answer; "more times than I care to think about".  Our conversation then led to the discussion of how one bad relationship, one lie, one break of trust; can carry over into our current, new, and/or future relationships leading to a lack of trust despite lack of reason.  So it made me start thinking...alot.  Not just about the people in my past who have hurt me but about how I respond to things in the present.

I've been lied to when I didn't think the liar would ever do that to me and I've been cheated on when I had not reason to think it would happen or question the quality of my relationship.  So now, I'm in a great marriage with someone I love and trust but the fact is, instead of just trusting him, he really had to earn it from me during our courtship.  The trust wasn't something I'd just given over or implied in our relationship from the beginning.  Maybe because I was as naive has I had been in the past, but more likely because I'd been so badly hurt in the past by my naivety. 

Then I start talking about how even though my husband has never given me any reason to doubt him or mistrust him; there is still a part of me that hides in the depths of my heart; and lingers in the back of my mind; that automatically makes he think "is he with another girl" at anytime that something "out of the normal" or "unscheduled" occurs.  This is a twofold issue because first I worry that I will be hurt even more badly than ever before and second I feel guilty for even thinking of doubting our relationship and trust we have built in one another.

Is there a way to get back to the state of being in which we just trust people; without making them earn it or prove that they deserve it, trust given without question and kept until the person does something to make you lose it?  How do I retrain my mind and heart to be completely open and not so afraid; to really live for each and every day without the fear of pain in the future?  Is it even possible? Will I ever know that sweet naivety that I once did; even though it left me with scars I can't forget?  Will I ever be able to trust someone 100%, no questions asked, no doubts, no worries or will those invisible scars continue to haunt me, burning my memories with as much heat as they once burned my heart?  Can I ever forget that pain, that feeling of worthlessness, the questioning of what is wrong with myself...should I? Is it really even a better option than the one of remembrance and caution.  Or has it simply made me a scared and semi-paranoid woman with battle scars that run too deep and too wide to ever fully heal?  Scars that although not created by my husband, he has to also bear the burden of?

"Bumping Uglies"

So tonight I told my husband, I need to blog about something brutally honest; what do you think I should blog about?  In typical male fashion his first response was "anal sex".  I said ok, then he says "no blog about ball hair"...yes I married a man's man!  So I told him, ok, I will blog about the "ugly truth" about sex.

The first reference that popped into my head was bumping uglies; this isn't just a funny little reference to sex but it really does describe the act of sex.  I mean lets face it, for the most part, our privates aren't exactly pretty.  There's hair that grows in places we don't want, lots of wrinkles that don't just show with age, odd smells, funky fluids and for most men, terrain they need a map to travel. The honest truth is that unless you are watching a very well directed, edited, and air brushed movie; sex really isn't all that pretty.  So why do we do it? Cause it feels good!  Because it brings us closer to the person/s we love.  Because it can allow a level of intimacy with our partner that occurs only when we have extra time, privacy, energy, and drive. 

Our sex lives change just as we change.  When we get more busy, we get less busy if you know what I mean.  The more we have to do, the less we "do it". There comes a time in our lives when having a sex life is an extravagant and "guilty pleasure".  So if the thought of the "ugliness" of sex is hard for you to, ahem...swallow; I recommend closing your eyes and imagining you are in one of those really well edited and directed movies; and a little candlelight never hurt....or a strategically placed mirror.

Can't Fix Stupid

As an ER RN and grad school student there is one thing I've learned over the years that still gets me.  I can't fix stupid; no matter how hard or how often I try!  See awhile back I determined the difference between dumb and stupid; the two are NOT interchangeable.  Dumb people can't help it; their IQ's literally are 70 or below and they are just not capable of being "smart".  Stupid people on the other hand are not necessarily those with low IQ's, but those with no common sense, those that don't think before the speak, those that make bad decisions no matter how many times they've been burned by that same choice or no matter how many bad consequences they KNOW could happen - some people are stupid; and I can't fix that; believe me...I've tried.