Tonight at work a person I would consider a friend asked me if I'd ever been cheated on by a guy. My answer; "more times than I care to think about". Our conversation then led to the discussion of how one bad relationship, one lie, one break of trust; can carry over into our current, new, and/or future relationships leading to a lack of trust despite lack of reason. So it made me start thinking...alot. Not just about the people in my past who have hurt me but about how I respond to things in the present.
I've been lied to when I didn't think the liar would ever do that to me and I've been cheated on when I had not reason to think it would happen or question the quality of my relationship. So now, I'm in a great marriage with someone I love and trust but the fact is, instead of just trusting him, he really had to earn it from me during our courtship. The trust wasn't something I'd just given over or implied in our relationship from the beginning. Maybe because I was as naive has I had been in the past, but more likely because I'd been so badly hurt in the past by my naivety.
Then I start talking about how even though my husband has never given me any reason to doubt him or mistrust him; there is still a part of me that hides in the depths of my heart; and lingers in the back of my mind; that automatically makes he think "is he with another girl" at anytime that something "out of the normal" or "unscheduled" occurs. This is a twofold issue because first I worry that I will be hurt even more badly than ever before and second I feel guilty for even thinking of doubting our relationship and trust we have built in one another.
Is there a way to get back to the state of being in which we just trust people; without making them earn it or prove that they deserve it, trust given without question and kept until the person does something to make you lose it? How do I retrain my mind and heart to be completely open and not so afraid; to really live for each and every day without the fear of pain in the future? Is it even possible? Will I ever know that sweet naivety that I once did; even though it left me with scars I can't forget? Will I ever be able to trust someone 100%, no questions asked, no doubts, no worries or will those invisible scars continue to haunt me, burning my memories with as much heat as they once burned my heart? Can I ever forget that pain, that feeling of worthlessness, the questioning of what is wrong with myself...should I? Is it really even a better option than the one of remembrance and caution. Or has it simply made me a scared and semi-paranoid woman with battle scars that run too deep and too wide to ever fully heal? Scars that although not created by my husband, he has to also bear the burden of?
I don't know Beck. Since high school and when I was dating N.G., he was at college. He assured me he was never cheating. Yet he would call me on weekends and talk this girl Jen up and down and brag about her. My trust spiraled. Even more so, he was in New Orleans on some band trip and calls me drunk talking about another girl G.L. In the room with him sitting on his bed. Yes, our relationship was not normal, but that ruined my trust in future relationships when my boyfriends would hang with girl friends. I did end up cheating on N.G, and I don't deny it. Our relationship hadn't ended verbally, but emotionally I was done. That carried into college. Then on bf kissed another girl at a party in front of me, so blatant. I began to doubt myself. My husband and I had our times because he didn't understand my issues with trust and I would barrage him with texts when he was out with friends and not return my calls or texts or come home later than usual. I feared the worst. And we broke up once because I couldn't loosen my grip to trust him. Almost 6 years later, I still have my moments when he is at a bar with friends, but I'm better. I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust 100% even though he doesnt give me any reasons not to have faith in him. He knows me and checks in now because he knows my anxiety will subside.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't blame you if you could never get to 100%.
I don't know that it is that big of an issue between Dave and I, but more of an issue I have with myself. Dave has never given me a reason to not trust him...although there was that pair of glasses he gave me and thought I left them at his apt when we were dating...they were not mine...he said they must have been a friend of his roomies...which probably was true. That being said, the person in my past whose "betrayl" hurt the most also never gave me a reason not to trust him.
ReplyDeleteIt's not an issue between us either, but myself as well. Hope you find answers as life gives you more knowledge and wisdom throughout the years!
ReplyDeleteI agree, I have hurt and been hurt in the past and it definitely haunts me. I trust Jim completely and he's never ever given me any reason not to trust him. But I still find myself hearing those whispers on nights that he is bartending with amutual friend of ours, a very busty blonde in tight jeans and great tits whose body hasn't yet been ruined by pregnancy. I think it's just a part of life and we just need to try and push past it.
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